Birthday Protocols, Dos & Don'ts

By Marianne M. Szymanski, founder and president of Toy Tips, publisher of Toy Tips and Parenting Hints
Magazine and co-author of Toy Tips: A Parent's Essential Guide to Smart Toy Choices (Wiley/Jossey Bass).

Birthday parties are a way to teach children how to behave in social situations. Keep in mind that guests and the birthday child should be practicing their manners but all parents know things go wrong and feelings can get in the way. Preparing your child, whether the birthday child or the guest, for proper etiquette on birthday party behavior should be taught in the toddler to preschool years and continues as a lifelong lesson.

Greetings:
The birthday child should help select and welcome each guest and thank each guest upon departure. This teaches manners and appreciation. The birthday guest should greet the birthday child upon arrival and say "happy birthday" as well as "thank you for inviting me" before leaving. Common greetings are expected and should always be enforced, even in the youngest years.

Invitations:
Store-bought or homemade invitations are much more personal than an email or a verbal mention. While email invitations are now popular and take less time, a child loves to hold and see an invitation prepared especially for him/her. Verbal invitations can be forgotten.

If receiving an invitation, make sure to immediately write the date on the calendar. If you don't show up after you sent your acceptance of attending, "I forgot" is not acceptable.

RSVP Etiquette:
Encourage your child as the birthday guest to make the phone call to RSVP and ALWAYS respond on or before the date. If you decline, you do not need to give a reason but it's always nice to show your appreciation with your voice for being included. Keep that in mind especially if you need to leave a message on a voice-answering system should the birthday child hear it. No one likes to receive the news that you can't come. Train your child if they should answer the phone for an RSVP to thank a guest for calling but to also let the guest know they will be missed. This is a sign of encouraging friendship and good communication skills.

Should my child pick out the birthday gift?
Involving your child in the selection process teaches how to show appreciation toward a friend. Of course, we all hear stories of in-store tantrums and children wanting to keep the gift but to encourage his only defrays from the lesson taught.

What kinds of gifts are best to avoid giving?
It is important to choose an age-appropriate gift that reflects a child's current skills and interests. If choosing a DVD, video game or any toy that may have movie-related or musical content, it's always best to check with the parent of the birthday child to see what is considered acceptable in their home. Games that reflect skill levels should be matched to the child's age or grade in school. Special needs children love all the toys non-special needs children love but keep safety and skill-appropriateness in mind. It's best to check with a parent first.

Do we have to open gifts at my child"s birthday party?
Opening gifts at a birthday party can either be a joy or a disaster. Keep in mind the age and personality of the birthday child. Enthusiasm and attention span start to get lost after about the 4th gift by everyone but the birthday child. Sometimes if there are too many gifts, the birthday child loses interest as well. Depending on the size of the party, it's best for all when a child opens gifts with excitement and the guests are spared a long session of oohs and aahs when they could spend time playing and celebrating instead.

It's important that when opening gifts, the birthday child always says "thank you" and in addition a thank you note written by a parent (preschool and under) or by the child should be sent within 2 weeks. Be sure to personalize the note with the name of the guest, include the name of the gift and 2-3 sentences is a perfect length for a personalized message. Computer generated or typed mass produced thank-you notes are not acceptable and show nothing more than a rushed form to get a thank you out. Skip this option.

If a gift needs to be returned, keep in mind the feelings of the gift-giver. It's rude to ask the giver at the party where it was bought or for the receipt. If it is broken and you would like to get it replaced, that is fine but explain that to the parent before you ask for a receipt. If you receive a gift that is on a Consumer Product Safety Commission recall list, you do not always need to follow up with the giver. Instead, follow the instructions on how to return/replace as listed on cpsc.gov.

Can I re-gift a toy my child received?
NO! NO! NO! What if the original gift giver is also a guest at the birthday party? Kids don't forget these kinds of things. In my opinion, it's better to teach a child to be thankful for whatever they receive. In essence, birthday parties are a celebration of an individual child not a source to get rids of unwanted things in your home.

Do I have to invite the whole class to the party?
Some schools have policies on this. Invitations should never be handed out in the classroom or on the playground. It's best to keep the party list private and parents of guests should not talk amongst each other. Someone's feelings will always get hurt and while it is common for preschool and kindergarten age children to include the whole class, it is not necessary. The silent rule is the number of guests should equal the child's age plus one. Most parents agree this is much easier to handle than the whole class!

Is a verbal thank you sufficient?
No. A hand-written thank you note is best. Once a child learns to properly write, the thank you note should be written by the child. Encourage using good penmanship skills. Sending photos of the birthday child at the party with the birthday guest is appropriate to send in a thank you note. The notes should be delivered by postal mail and not handed out in the classroom or on the playground to avoid any hurt feelings to those who were not invited or could not attend. Email thank yous are not acceptable.

Should I register my child for birthday gifts?
This is a new trend and really of personal preference. If your child only wants specific gifts and would not be satisfied receiving something else, go ahead. Read between the lines on what this teaches a child. Some families use this as a way to inform distant family members

what a child's interests are and that can be helpful for the giver who does not know what to give. But, some givers love to choose their own ideas and that should never be discouraged.

Do I have to have goodie bags?
No. Over the years, this has got way out of hand. I've seen everything from overstuffed buckets of summer toys to gifts that were more expensive than the birthday gifts be handed out to children as they are leaving a birthday party. A small token of appreciation is most appropriate.

Should I invite parents to stay?
This is sticky subject. No one wants the lingering parent standing in the corner. It's best for children to learn how to be independent from mom or dad but some children still need mom or dad around. The basic rule is once a child is out of diapers and able to function properly with a group of children, it's best not for a parent to be there so a child can practice independence and social skills. But, if you are not comfortable leaving your child alone, discuss this privately with the birthday host PRIOR to the party. Parents understand. For older children, if you are concerned about proper of a lack of supervision without having you around, respectfully decline the invitation.

Train your child on the rules and etiquette about having a birthday party and how to act. They need to understand that they will be the spotlight for the party and their behavior and manners will be noticed by you and all the children in attendance. A short 101 review on your no running, pushing, yelling policy would help.

POLLING PARENTS: Top 12 things that parents don't find pleasing about kids birthday parties:
Source: toytips.com

1. Guests who leave messages saying they can't come without appreciation that they were invited. Messages with harsh tones keep you wondering WHY and open up all sorts of things to question in your mind. Leave a message in a sweet and friendly voice and while it is not necessary to include the reason why, if there is one, at least the birthday party host will know it is not because they just do not want to come. That can hurt people's feelings.

2. The birthday child does not say thank you after opening a gift. Make sure to thank a child using their name. Many times, preschoolers like to have their guest sit next to them when they open a gift. This helps a child early on learn manners and appreciation but in these years, you see a lot of hugging as thank you"d too.

3. Arriving LATE or picking up a child LATE. For birthday parties held at restaurants, or other locations, another birthday party may be scheduled right after yours and it is not the responsibility of the location or the birthday host to wait for your child to get picked up.

Don't ever assume your child will be driven home unless agreed arrangements are made prior to the party. Arriving to the party more than 10 minutes early is a no-no.

4. Coming home with a lot of little stuff that kids don't play with. The low-priced miniature plastic versions of traditional toys are usually too small for a child to use or they just don't work. Rather than looking for things to give-out, focus on quality over quantity, One nice superball or bottle of bubbles has a lot of play value!

5. The birthday host is yelling at the birthday child! With proper training on appropriate etiquette, this most likely can be avoided.

6. Do not bring uninvited younger siblings. If they must come due to childcare issues, don't expect to get a piece of birthday cake or a goody bag. Have activities packed in your own bag for younger sibling to do. The birthday party may not be age-appropriate for them and depending on activities planned for the party, safety can be an issue.

7. Location. If a party location is on the other side town for a short time, it can be an inconvienence.

8. When an invited parent of a guest doesn't control their child who is trying to he the center of attention.

9. Parents who compete to have the better birthday party.

10. Do not photograph or videotape someone else's birthday party as a parent guest. Unless you are asked, it makes the birthday host feel awkward.

11. Guests who do not RSVP but still show up.

12. Birthday party hosts who don't have a timeline or agenda for the party that is appropriate to the age of the child and guests. Especially for younger kids, it is important to keep things moving along. Don't drag things out or don't force activities or games that kids are not interested in. Be flexible based on the needs of the birthday child and guests.

For ideas, see toytips.com and sign-up to receive the free daily toy-tip prior to the birthday party.